Women Trouble
by Lil Miss Giggles
Summary: Xander is having problems with his love-life, so he goes to the one guy he figures can help. Spike. (who else do I eva write about?!)
1. Woman trouble 1

Woman Trouble  
  
  
Title:- see above  
Rating:- PG13  
Distribution:- do I *really* need to repeat it?  
Ownership:- Joss Whedon blaa blaa *snore*  
Feedback:' Please? I'm asking nicely!  
  
  
  
"Spike?"  
"Bugger off."  
"It's me."  
"Really? I'd never have guessed."  
Xander looked at the annoyed vampire. He felt a bit embarrased, of all the men in the world, Xander had to pick this one. Well, he couldn't really ask Giles - no way. Riley? No, he looks as if his love life has been steady since his first kiss. Spike was growing impatient and the kid's fidgeting was annoying him,  
"You wanted something?"  
"Er, yeah. You've .... dated alot of girls, right?"  
Spike laughed,  
"Vampires don't date. I've been with alot of girls, yeah. But no girlfriends, that's an adolescent thing."  
"Same difference. I got this problem."  
The vampire was very amused. This was unbelievable,  
"You're asking *me* for help with woman trouble? Seriously?"  
"Uh, yeah."  
"Oh, okay. Go ahead."  
Xander was surprised the demon relented with so little persuasion. Spike raised an eyebrow,  
"Didn't think I'd help you?" Xander shook his head and Spike shrugged, "This is my league. Women and carnage. Gimme your best shot."  
"Right, me and Anya are going through a rough patch, see?"  
"Don't need to see. I've heard."  
"Oh, that. She threw a tantrum. That's the problem, she's so *demanding*!"  
"That's where I get stuck. I have a tendency to go through women the same rate you go through clean under-wear."  
Xander shifted uneasily, knowing the vampire had been de-chipped thanks to some chick who'd left the Initiative (and wasn't entirely human herself) didn't make this any easier. Spike signalled for Xander to follow him. The vampire had got himself a flat, and was living in very nice conditions. He indicated an armchair, and Xander sat down. Spike exited into the kitchen and re-emerged with a cup of very suspiscious looking red liquid,  
"I'm not the guy to ask if you want to keep your honey sweet. If you want to bring a new bird home every Saturday night then I'm your demon. But steady relationships are a strict no-no."  
"You went steady with Dru."  
"Ha! That's what *she* thinks. Let's see, there was Tina, Saba, Vicky, Amy, Tracy, Sa - "  
"Okay! I get the point! So you think I should quit with the steadies?"  
"S'up to you. It's more fun though...but it helps to have a steady girl aswell, y'know incase something goes slightly wrong."  
Xander allowed the conversation to flow through his mind as he processed what was being said, while Spike lit the fire. The vampire smiled warmly,  
"Makes a difference, the fire. The heat doesn't matter, but it gives a certain atmosphere, know what I mean?"  
The human nodded, though the vague expression on his face showed he was really listening. Spike sat down again,  
"Xander?"  
"Hmm?"  
"I just killed Anya."  
"Hmm."  
"Buffy's torturing Anya with *alot* of help from Giles...and Willow."  
"Hmm."  
"Oh my God! Xander! You're melting!!"  
Xander perked up slightly at the sound of the vampire's urgency,  
"What?"  
"Nothing. Just seeing if you were awake."  
"I'm not."  
"Apparently so."  
Spike gulped the last drops of blood from the bottle in his hands,  
"Fancy a beer?"  
He perked up even more at the mention of alcohol,  
"Go on then."  
The demon his human companion the bottle of beer and sunk down in his armchair with his own drink,  
"Nothing better for drowning your sorrows...except maybe whiskey, or scotch or brandy even. Spiked blood'll work too, but that's not your thing."  
"You not gotta girl either?"  
"Unfortunately for me, no. I need to re-build my reputation as a heartless coldblooded killer before I can get back in the saddle."  
The two men sat for a while in silence, savouring the mood while they could. Then Xander sat bolt upright,  
"What would happen if I helped you get your reputation back and you helped me get a girl?"  
Spike thought for a moment then said matter-of-factly,  
"You'd end up with some hot vamp chick and alot of people would die."  
"No, seriously."  
"I was being serious. I don't do humans until they've been vamped."  
"Yeah but you only vamp the hottest girls right?"  
"I'm not exactly going to sleep with the female version of Quasimodo now, am I?"  
"My point exactly, you still know a babe when you see one."  
"I have almost 204yrs of experience in that area."  
"So you can do it *without* the vamp part."  
"That takes the fun out of it, but why not?"  
"And I'll help you...."  
"Kill a whole load of innocents."  
"Yeah..what?! No!"  
Spike shrugged,  
"It was your idea. I couldn't care less."  
"Right, okay."  
"Got any ideas Harris?"  
"No, and please don't call me that. It pisses me off."  
"Yeah, I've noticed. Why else do you think I call you that?"  
"Don't know."  
"Okay, I'll do my part of the deal first. Then we can come up with a safe no-Buffy way of getting me my title back."  
Xander smiled, and left the vampire alone to go through all the cute chicks he'd stalked for the past 3 weeks.  
  
  
Xander was ready at least an hour before he was supposed to be there. He went to Spike's flat to kill time, though the fact that he ran wasn't really killing the time he had left. He practically crashed into the door in an attempt to knock politely.  
"What's the matter now?"  
He turned around, it was Spike. He'd been down to the 24hr super market for the usual. Beer and smokes and probably the girl at the till. He had a spot of blood on his chin.  
"You have your dinner on your chin."  
The vampire hurriedly wiped it away, and signalled for Xander to move out the way so he could get in. Groceries bag balanced on one hand, he felt around his pockets for the keys. No keys.  
"Bugger, I've left them on the counter. Here hold this."  
He gave Xander the bag and took a step back. Making sure the human was out of the way, Spike turned side on, and with one swift kick, sent the door to the floor. He sauntered in over the door and indicated for the human to follow,  
"That's the 3rd time this week I've had to do that!"  
Relieving Xander of the bag, Spike set it down on the kitchen table and took out his tool box. He began to fix the door skillfully, it took no more than 5minutes. When he was finished, the vampire eyed the human approvingly,  
"Looking good. You'll have to wait a minute for me to get ready."  
He disappeared into his room and emerged 10minutes later as what could be called your usual teenage heart throb. Xander sighed,  
"How do you do it?"  
"Do what?"  
"You manage to look good in whatever you wear."  
"True, but I don't like to boast." The vampire strolled over to the TV and took his wallet from his pocket. He removed about 200 dollars from the wad behind the TV and quietly put them in his pocket - not his wallet. He put his wallet in his other pocket.   
"Oh, I almost forgot." He rushed to the bathroom, and came back with a can of Lynx. Lynx Africa to be precise. He held it up,  
"Put that on."  
"Why?"  
"Harmony said it smells like men. It works too."  
Xander did as he was told and sprayed the Lynx over himself. Spike grabbed his favourite coat - the leather one - and opened the door,  
"Shall we?" 


	2. Woman Trouble 2

  
  
Woman Trouble 2  
  
Title:- see above  
Rating:- PG13  
Distribution:- ask first  
Ownership:- same as always.  
Feedback:- or die a horrible death!  
  
  
"Don't sit that way."  
"Why not?"  
"Translated into English, that says "I'm gay." get the point?"  
Xander quickly sat in the same fashion as Spike and ordered another beer. Spike clamped his hand over the human's mouth,  
"Cancel that order. He doesn't want anymore."  
Xander struggled free,  
"What do you think you're doing?"  
The vampire leant casually on the bar,  
"You don't want to be drunk before you meet a decent chick."  
"Okay, point taken."  
"Right, lesson number one. Walk as if you own the place."  
"Huh?"  
"Y'know, the laid back, saunter."  
"You mean like you?"  
"Basically, yeah."  
"Okay, I can do that."  
"Good, we have time to practice." He saw the look on Xander's face and explained,"The hot stuff don't come in till around ten."  
"Then why in the name of God did you say eight?"  
"Don't blaspheme, you know the words are meaningless. I said eight so you could learn the tricks of the trade. Coming?"  
The vampire wandered back outside and Xander followed. They stood outside the Bronze,  
"Right. Practise that walk."  
Spike watched carefully as he tried to copy the vampire's don't-give-one walk, "Lean back a tiny bit....look as if you don't give one about what anyone thinks, but look..um..important at the same time.....you've got it. Now do it again.....perfect."  
Xander sauntered back to him, Spike-style.  
"Right now you've got to bin the I'm-a-geek-who's-scared-of-women attitude."  
"I'm not scared of - fine then. And how do you propose I do that?"  
"As I said before, act as if you own the place, just don't get too cocky and don't actually *say* you own the place. You're just a regular guy with an attitude. Like this."  
He demonstrated and Xander watched, making a mental note of all Spike's actions. "Now you try."  
Again the human perfected it. Spike approved,  
"You're getting the hang of this. Now what're your best lines?"  
"My what?...oh, chat up lines. I haven't got any."  
"Ye Gods, no wonder you ended up with an ex-demon! Here try these ones."  
He recited a whole load of chat up lines off by heart and explained the actions that come before or after them. They spent the next two hours perfecting Xander's art of pulling - giving Spike a chance to get reaqquainted with his. They returned to the club as the first batch of girls approached.  
They returned to the bar, Spike at one end, Xander at the other. Everything was going okay when Xander's mobile rang, it was Spike,  
"Stop sitting like that! Remember about the gay thing. There's a couple of guys making eyes at you....No, *don't* turn around! They'll pick up a hint that isn't there!"  
"Okay, point taken."  
He hung up as a really "hot chick" ,as Spike would say, approached him, her red hair falling in ringlets around her face,  
"Is this seat taken?" She indicated the chair beside him. Time to put those lines into action,  
"Not if you're gonna sit there."  
She smiled brightly at him and sat down, moving the chair closer to his ever so slightly. Spike smiled to himself as he watched. He's done it. Then the vampire began to get mildly depressed, they looked so good together. Spike needed a woman in his life. Desperately.   
Bent on regaining his reputation, Spike wrote a note on a tissue, and dropped it beside Xander's drink as he past them on his way out. Xander picked it up and read it while his newfound companion ordered drinks, she wouldn't let him because he'd already ordered the first two.  
  
*~ Have unfinished business to attend to. Stay put. Enjoy her smiles and attention. I'll see you tomorrow night, if you need me before then, ring my mobile or page me.  
  
Spike*~  
  
  
Xander smiled slightly and putting the note in his pocket, turned back to the girl who he now knew as Julie.  
  
  
Spike knocked back the remaining vodka in his glass, he kept the glass in hand. Never know, may come in handy. He approached the graveyard, seeing the object of his attention kicking the crap out of a 6ft demon. This should be fun. He walked up behind her, grabbed her shoulder and spun her round to face him. Before either Buffy or the 6ft demon could react, he'd punched his full weight, sending the Slayer head first into the gate. He walked over to her still figure. Unconscious. The other demon put a hand on the vampire's shoulder in a gesture of thanks. Spike brushed it off,  
"Don't mention it." Vampires and demons didn't mix as a rule, they hate eachother, "Ever."  
The demon nodded in respectful silence and watched as the blonde sauntered away, realising how close he had been to a death match with a reknowned gut-spilling vampire.  
  
  
Xander woke. There was a familiar weight on his chest. Anya, using him as a pillow. He looked at her almost to confirm it. Not Anya. Julie. Oops. He lay back again and tried to remember the events of the night before. He remembered all to well. Strangley enough he felt no guilt. He didn't care. Anya could go to Hell, he like Julie better. He smiled as she stirred and her hair brushed his face as she raised her head to look at him,  
"Morning."  
"Morning."  
They paused for a moment, neither could think of anything else to say. Realising both were thinking the same as the other, they burst out laughing. Xander felt alot better. Better than he ever had with Anya. Julie's laughter was sweet and almost child-like. Anya hardly ever laughed. Then Julie remembered something he had told the night before,  
"What about Anna?"  
"Anya. She can get screwed. She was never the one for me."  
"What about me then?"  
"That's up to you." He said remembering Spike's words, he'd said "Always give the girl the choice, otherwise they get narky." He'd gone on to use Harmony and Dru as examples. Not the best of examples, one was psychotic, the other a bimbo.  
"I want whatever you want." She replied.  
"And I want you!" He pulled the blanket right over them making a tent, and proceeded to tickle her relentlessly.  
  
  
"Buff? Buffy? Wake up!"  
The Slayer woke in the graveyard, Will was standing over her with Tara. She rubbed her head and tried to stand,  
"Wh...what happened?"  
Tara looked very concerned,  
"That's what we were gonna ask you."  
Buffy shielded her eyes from the morning sun, she had a splitting headache. She struggled to reorganise her mind, sorting the events from the previous night,  
"Uh, demon. Big. Taller than Giles. Um vampire, blonde. Uh, Spike. Er...brain packing in again."  
Willow and Tara took an arm each and began to lead her to the hospital. Willow sighed,  
"I think you have concussion."  
"Con - what?"  
"Nevermind. Come on. Tara, you got your phone?"  
"Yup, I'll ring Giles."   
Buffy complained bitterly,  
"No. No Giles. No you-should-have-been-more-careful lectures."  
Tara put away her phone,  
"Too late, sorry. He's on his way."  
The two witches put up with the Slayer's whining all the way to Sunnydale hospital and were all to happy to hand her over to the doctor and the watchful eyes of Giles.  
  
"There's nothing wrong with me!"  
Giles almost laughed,  
"Oh no, you only have severe concussion. If you'd hit that gate totally head on you'd be brain damaged. Apart from that, no I'd say you're as right as rain."  
"Oh sure, let's all pick on the injured one!"  
"Buffy, I'm not picking on you. Simply stating a fact. You are injured and you're not going *anywhere* till you mend that concussion."  
"No slaying?"  
"No slaying!"  
She sighed,  
"At least I get a break. What if Big Boy and Spike come back? What if it was Spike? What if -"  
Giles smiled fondly as the anesthetic did it's job, giving Buffy a rest from the stresses of Slayerdom and him a rest from Buffy.  



	3. Woman Trouble 3

  
  
Woman Trouble 3  
  
Title:- see above  
Rating:- PG13  
Distribution:- have it if you want it but ask first.  
Ownership:- Joss is God etc...  
Feedback:- or may Spike spill your guts in the market place.  
  
  
  
"I just saw the Buffster."  
"She okay?"  
Xander glared at the blonde vampire,  
"As if you'd care."  
"Ouch, hot temper, but you're right. I don't."  
"I was you wasn't it?"  
"What do you think?"  
Xander sighed,  
"I don't know."  
"The truth is in the teller, as my beloved mother used to say.... just a couple of weeks before I ate her."  
"I was you. Wasn't it?"  
Spike shrugged nonchalantly but didn't answer.  
"And after all she's done for you!"  
"What? Kicking my arse every time I make a mistake? Embarrassing me infront of demons I used to call "mate"? You'll find no sympathy in this vampire, Harris. She deserved everything she got.... besides, one punch doesn't give a Slayer concussion. If you ask me that tall thing is to blame for the rest of it."  
The vampire circled the human once then retired to his sofa and turned off the TV. Xander sat in the armchair across the room,  
"Woah, deja-vu."  
"So, how'd it go with that chick?"  
"Great. More than great, and I have you to thank for that."  
"Don't mention it." He looked more serious as he cast his eyes to Xander's face, "Ever."  
"Point taken."  
"You're sitting that way again."  
"What way?..oh, sorry."  
  
  
"No."  
"But Buff - "  
"I said no. It was a flat refusal."  
"Come on, Buffy!"  
Willow then saw the feral light in her friend's eyes and withdrew the cup of fresh coffee. Buffy pouted,  
"I wanted *proper* coffee! Not decaf. I need the caffeine."  
Willow turned imploringly to the Ripper as he entered the room and desperately tried to change the subject,  
"So, any...uh..further developments?"  
"Not as such."  
Buffy sighed,  
"What's that mean?"  
"Um, Spike admitted to punching you but not hard enough to send you into the gate and give you concussion."  
"And you believe him?!" She bit off.  
"Ish."  
"Ish? Ish isn't a Giles word."  
"I'm adaptable...so to speak."  
"And a de-chipped William the Bloody is on the large. Y'think he'll forget all those times I whupped his ass?"  
"I will if you will, Luv."  
All heads turned to the vampire in the doorway. Behind him stood a slightly guilty looking Alexander Harris. He looked around the room avoiding eye contact with Willow, while the demon smiled in mock sympathy,  
"How's the head?"  
Xander allowed himself a quick glance at his ex and she glared at him. Anya knew where he'd been the night before, although not who he'd been *with*.  
Buffy explained how she had woken up in the cemetery and what may have happened. Spike nodded his head knowingly,  
"That thing was huge. How much y'wanna bet it was him?"  
"Nothing, I say it was you."  
"Me? As if I would want to bother wasting what little energy pigs' blood has to offer on you."  
The conversation went on like this, each trying to wind the other up, until the doctor came in. He wasn't impressed,  
"Miss. Summers. I told you not to get excited."  
"I wasn't excited. I was simply trying to make a point."  
The doctor wasn't convinced,  
"Which was?"  
"I was...uh, I was..."  
Spike chipped in by using the old "Buffy's the drummer in our high-school band" excuse that he had used on Joyce a couple of years earlier,  
"We were just saying that there should be more vocal and less bass in our latest song. She's the drummer."  
The vampire excelled as usual, he believed every word of it. As the doctor left, Spike laughed,  
"Humans are so gullible."  
He realised all surrounding humans were looking at him. He shrugged half-apologetically,  
"Well, you are."  
He smiled slightly then walked out. Spike-style.  
  
Buffy lay in bed at home under strict orders from Mom, Giles and the doctor not to move. She didn't. She lay there watching the 9 o'clock news. High mortality rates as usual. Nuh-uh, * higher * than usual. Great, just what Sunnydale needed when she had concussion. Bummer.  
She switched off for a moment and her mind wandered till she was thinking of Angel. Realising where her thoughts were heading, she woke up again. Why did she always think of Cryptic Guy when she was injured? She focussed on the TV just in time to catch details on the increase in fatalities around Sunnydale. Big surprise. All had two puncture wounds in the neck and were almost completely drained of blood. The whole news report screamed "VAMPIRE!!!!!" but did the cops notice? Noooo. They just sat around eating their doh-nuts and talking about the game last night.  
  
Spike stood outside the Summers' threshold smoking. He leant against a tree and grinned. He was full. Make that very full. His work was plastered all over the news. Sudden increase in mortalities equalled sudden increase in Spike's appetite. He was so right. Humans are gullible. Especially these ones. A tall, curvaceous blonde caught his eye. She saw him and he flashed his sexiest smile at her. She approached and Spike smiled, saying to himself,  
"I love my job."  



	4. Woman Trouble 4

Woman Trouble 4  
  
Author's Notes:- Can't be bothered with the whole disclaimer because it's already on the first 3 chapters so don't bother suing me. You'll only succeed in getting my entire account of 47p.  
  
  
Willow sat in Buffy's living room with Giles. They were watching "Sunset Beach". Brain-numbingly soothing, just what they needed. It was then it occurred to Will that Xander had been avoiding her all day. He'd avoided eye contact with her in the hospital and refused to hang with them.  
"Giles, Xander's up to something."  
"What makes you think that?"  
"I've known him since we were knee-high. He always avoids eye contact with me if he's feeling guilty. It's a Xander trait."  
"Where is he anyway?"  
"Out. Where ever "out" is."  
They dismissed the topic and returned to watch the murder scene currently showing.  
  
  
Buffy pressed the bleeper again and again. Why was no-one coming? She needed a painkiller and *fast*. Not to mention she wanted the remote control which had fallen on the floor. She hated Sunset Beach more than she currently hated Spike. *That* was an achievement.  
"Giles?! Willow?!…I need the remote control! And an aspirin please!!"  
About five minutes later, the wiccan came running up the stairs with a painkiller and a drink. She smiled and sat on the bed,  
"What else did you want?"  
"The remote. It's on the floor and my bleeper isn't working."  
"No probs."  
She handed the Slayer her remote and examined the bleeper,  
"It would help if it was plugged in, Buff."  
"Oh, yeah…I knew that…"  
She plugged it in and returned to the Watcher to see the end of Sunset Beach.  
  
  
Spike admired his new place. He'd bought a flat not far from the Summers' house. From his window, he could see their front door. In other words, he knew whenever Buffy came or went, ditto for her mother.  
He could also see through her bedroom window. Buffy was lying in bed with the remote inhand, flicking through the channels. He smiled,   
"I will break you, Slayer. I'll break you into pieces so small that – "  
"That what?"  
The vampire sung round to face the intruder,  
"What the bloody hell are you doing here?"  
Anya smiled faintly and shrugged.  
"You do realise that now you heard that I'll have to do something…drastic."  
The girl didn't seem to be bothered much. Spike looked at her, there was something about the way she was standing.   
"You'll do what, exactly?"  
Spike was stuck. He examined her facial expression.  
"I'll, uh…"  
He was somewhere between wanting to kill her and kiss her. Yup, he was stuck.  
She stood there expectantly,  
"Hmm?"  
"Uh. I'll have to think about that. Without you here preferably. Go. Now."  
Being the gentleman he always had - almost – been for over 2 centuries, the vampire rushed to open the door for her as she tried to leave. Anya was halfway through the door when she stopped to look at him. He repressed his sudden urge to kiss her,  
"What now?"  
Turning to face him properly, she hooked her hand around his neck and pulled his head down for a kiss. He let her, then realising what was happening, pulled away. Her face fell with disappointment as his expression switched from stunned to "Bugger off". She stepped back slightly, away from the door. Spike stared at his feet for a moment then allowed himself a quick sideways glance at the girl beside him. Then he gave in. Slamming the door shut, he grabbed her arm and pulled her closer. Not sure whether he meant to kiss her or bite her, Anya screamed. Uncertain of any other way to shut her up – other than death – Spike kissed her. She shut up.  
  
The blonde vampire sat in Willy's Place. He took a long drag of his cigarette then noted the fact that if he didn't put it out soon, his hand would go up in flames. He put it out. He caught sight of Xander in the corner of his eye. Maybe sleeping with his ex wasn't such a good idea. Spike certainly enjoyed it but he doubted if Harris would see it the same way.  
"Still going out with that Julie chick?"  
"Yeah. Made any progress?"  
"Apart from giving the Slayer a much deserved punch, I'd say no."  
"Got no girls yourself, then, eh?"  
"Uh…no, not yet."  
The vampire reflected on the events of the night before. He wasn't ready to confess to Harris that he'd …   
"So, what are you going to do about the reputation?"  
Spike wasn't listening,  
"Hmm?"  
"Hey, I'd appreciate some attention over here."  
"Oh, sorry mate. I was just...thinking."  
"About?"  
Think faster! Spike thought to himself. His usual "too quick for kodak" excuses and comebacks had run out on him,  
"Um, Life. In general."  
"Oh. It wouldn't have anything thing to do with rendez-vous you had with Anya last night?"  
Spike started,  
"What?!"  
Xander stared at the vampire in confusion,  
"I didn't say anything."  
"Oh." He paid Willy the money for his drink and stood up. "I'm gonna have to go, mate. I need sleep, didn't get much last night."  
Harris nodded understandingly and watched as the peroxide blonde left the bar,  
"He was too busy rolling under the covers with my ex."  
Willy looked at him for a moment,  
"So you knew?"  
"Duh. Anya has a tendency to boast about her victories over me. She says exactly what she thinks. " The human stood and went to leave the back way, stopping he looked at the bartender and smiled, "That would be one nil to me." 


End file.
